Are you gone?
I’m not sure you are…
I whisper into the night
Crying out your name
And running
As I make my way through the quiet hopes and dreams
Of a future that will never be.

Shall I keep my hope?
Or should I just do what I have done so many times before?
Find something new.
Something more enticing. With “better” qualities,
Stronger arms to hold me tight, stronger lips to kiss me with.
But nothing can match your softness,
I don’t know what to do.

Run faster perhaps?
I lose my breath and start coughing relentlessly.
I have to stop.
I hate my weakness. I wish I could be strong like you.
Humble but strong, like you.
I’m hot. I can’t breathe. I want to hold you.
You’re so far away.
Too far away.
There’s not enough hours in the day to ever reach you.

I Fall to the ground…
Maybe someday you’ll be back.
Or are you even gone?
I’m not sure.
The trees are here;
The ground is here.
Everything’s here
Except you.

When I make love to you,
All I can think of is the scent of your skin
Unveiling mystery and uniqueness.
It smells like the fuel
Of a well oiled machine.
It smells of history
Of passion, respect, and charisma.
You smell of mountains and rivers.

Old leather jackets remind me of you;
Black, faded, torn and ripped to shreds.
Worn continuously regardless of condition
As hopeful reminders of the sight
Of your face once more.

Feelings inside me continue to grow
Difficult to comprehend, yet all knowing.
I run my fingers through long blond hair
Uncontrollable at night,
And it feels like a creek bubbling through the forest
Your body feels like a vacation;
Temporary paradise
I can’t wait to come home to.

There is no home in the life that I share
Except for a few moments with you.
I can be alone, as myself, who I once was
Before my life was stolen out from under my feet.
Carpeting all the knowledge I once had
Is a song of passion and sincerity.
A soul inside me temporarily reborn.

Youth evaporates into the night
While sitting in the seat of life returning.
Realistic rain begins to flow once again
Out of the clouds, through the air,
Into the lives and soil of the world around me.

Wishing I could hold on, to the thoughts of you beside me.
Wrapping my arms around the back of speed and immortality.
The fragrance of gasoline.
Vibrations of horse power beneath me,
And a road that twists and turns
Continuously into a frozen starlit night.

Faith allows me to let go.
Relax in the wilderness around me,
Holding on to the world with muscles in my legs and thighs.
Life relies on my own strength
And your navigational abilities
I somewhat question on certain occasions.
And I close my eyes
Fall into a dream world of misinterpretation;
Of reality.

Regardless in all too many ways 
I still adore you…
Miles and miles have grown between us
Leaving the scent of your skin only to be remembered
By the touch of my back
By someone else’s hands;
Sometimes my own.

I still kiss the air and think of you
And look at a panoramic view of memories
Of a road less than traveled.
A road visited.
A road in history, in time, in refuge in the back of my mind.
And in the passion of my hands.
A road taken only with you.

Translation of Das Spiel, Das Wartet

I can’t sleep

I think I miss you

As awkward as that seems

Reality says I don’t know you

Still, I think I miss you

I’m cold

I wish you could hold me

But I’m hot enough

Just to want you to know me

I’m sick enough

To have that fear that you’ll leave me

Festering there in the pit of my stomach

Who says you have to be perfect

Just to be mine

I don’t know,

It’s a silly accusation

I often find myself 

Building a castle of false explanation

Out of elevators and stone cubes of bull shit

I can’t sleep

I think I could like you

Lowering bridges will take time

So does climbing

But in the end I guarantee

It’s worth it

It has been literally YEARS since I have gone out on a real actual date, you know involving doing something with someone other than having a random guy (or girl) try getting laid.  So tonight I went out on a date with a guy I met on the internet (Yikes) but I checked with a friend and turns out they knew of him and said he was okay.  So I went to the doctor, wound up in the hospital for most of the day (which usually happens on my dates), he was patient enough to wait for me to get out, and we met for our date.

FINALLY a real date!!!  We had a (mutual vegetarian) dinner, conversation, laughter, common interests and non common interests, I tried to explain my health problems in English to someone who doesn’t speak English as a second language let alone first…Then we went and looked at lighting fixtures.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAY.  Seriously this is my idea of the ideal date.

I have a boundary rule of no physical contact on a first date.  For someone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, boundary is always an issue that many people in the rest of the world don’t understand.  But he accidentally touched my back when I made a joke while on an unsuccessful search for glue in the store (but we found awesome 3,000 dollar vanities!!!!), and that wasn’t bad for me.  I didn’t have a meltdown!  It was warm, inviting, friendly; not “I can’t wait to get you home and fuck you.” like it usually is.  It also wasn’t interpreted in my brain and neurological patterns as “serial killer: beat the crap out of him and save yourself!” either which is always great.  The latter is a difficult to explain reaction which generally involves the police or getting thrown out of somewhere…

After that I drove him back to his car, which was another big plus for me that he was comfortable letting me drive after we met for dinner.  And it was that shy, blushing, high school moment where you don’t know what to do at the end.  You’re both shy, both inexperienced (well…maybe not exactly), both nervous as hell.  I go to do my usual walk him to his car and hug and quickly run away without falling on my ass like a Sex in the City episode but he actually kissed me.  Not the American tongue down the throat kiss, but a polite, kiss on the lips.  And that was awkward and everything but I handled it because it wasn’t an invasion of my boundary because it was polite and we were both mutually happy about it and nervous like giddy school girls and boys usually are.  

It was awkward kissing someone with the same last name, only spelled in Dutch rather than Flemish, but I feel so much better about myself now not feeling like a fish out of water like I have all the years:  weird name, weird looks, weird sense of humor, etc.  I live with a bunch of hillbillies in Northern Wisconsin, they kill animals, eat animals, like lawn mower racing, and have straight boring hair.  While I raced a lot of things and rebuild a motor like my neighbors, I look different and dress different and look at things different.  Not better, just different.  Everyone’s always avoided me because I’m weird and I never fit in unless I go to a city or some drug infested loserville.  

I don’t know why this guy chose to live in America, but I think I have something I must learn from him.  I even tried to be bashful, I never pointed out how much European jeans fit in all the right places. ;)  And today I learned how to practice safe boundaries with people while compromising if the situation doesn’t turn out to your liking.  Date rape and sexual assault are VERY common (1 out of 3 women has experienced some form of domestic/dating violence) and I think it’s important that women make firm boundaries with their dates right away.  Like meeting in a public place, drive separate cars, etc.  At least until one knows the type of person they’re dating and dealing with.  In the long run, the guy is going to respect you more too, if he’s that horny then he’s going to cheat or get into prostitutes, nobody needs someone like that around.  Not to mention disease, gross.

My hands are shaking;
My voice is quiet.
There’s that pressure in my chest
That’s growing.
Do you know what it feels like
Not to breathe?
For fear it could change your whole reality
Forever?
In just a moment’s notice
Time stands still.

Afraid of regrets.
Scared of rejections.
All those little things
That make up my life
Could change once I speak to you.
Transform into sanity
Or quickly fall into solemness,
All I can do is wait for that jarring instant
That takes away my many inquiries
And replaces them with truth.
In just a moment
Time stands still.

Missing my husband so much tonight I almost can’t breathe. Without my love, there’s no oxygen in the air for me to live on but I’ve compensated somehow and still I keep going. He’s still on his side of the bed where he’ll forever be.

I wrote this after getting off the phone with my husband, 15 hours before he was killed in a car accident back in 2008.  Yes it’s old, but sometimes I need a little reminder of what my life once was, and is, with his impact on my life.

I wish I was older

Or maybe you were younger

So things could just work out better

We’ll probably never always be together

Or at least not one and the same

I know how much I love you

How I feel when we’re alone

The world can just disappear in a day

We make love; you hold me close

We rest so deeply I almost don’t want to wake up

Because I know as time winds by I’ll have to leave

I can’t ever stay with you

I can’t truly be with you

And I know and accept that

But sometimes it hurts.

I have fun with you

You smile and make me laugh

Somehow I just wish it could all be different

Either one way or the other, preferably not both

If only I could wake up tomorrow morning just to see you

I don’t know how this all started

It goes through the back of my mind every day

Maybe it doesn’t really matter

Just that it’s changed me for the better

Even if you’re torn between right and wrong

I can’t ever stay with you

I can’t truly be with you

And I know and accept that

But sometimes it hurts.

Probably someday one of us will get hurt

Maybe even both

But every day that goes by I’m enjoying you

While you wonder if this is right

I can’t ever stay with you

I can’t truly be with you

And I know and accept that

But sometimes it hurts

But no matter how much it hurts

I know how much I love you

Even if it’s momentary

It makes us happy.